Monday 25 December 2023
The dream started in March 2023 and ended in mid-May 2023. This dream would repeat daily. At first, I was uncertain why I was dreaming that a hooded, spirit-like figure was guiding me, or was it impelling me, through a long beige-colored hallway of numerous locked doors. During each dream session, I eventually would reach near the end of the hallway, but I would wake up. Only by the second week of April did I reach the end of the hallway. And then I entered the only open room. In fact, this room had no door. In a perfectly square room with bare windows and no furniture, I would stand there, awaiting the apparition to confront me. Each dream session would reveal only a fleeting, fragmentary glimpse of the ghost drawing nearer me.
What or who exactly was this hazy mysterious ghost? In the dream, the harder I concentrated on its appearance, the quicker I awoke from the dream. For weeks, I would awaken before the dream finished; therefore, I wasn’t sure whether my morning visions were dreams or nightmares. I hesitated to call the dreams “nightmares” because I wasn’t terrified while experiencing the vision.
By the third week of April, the spirit fully revealed itself. As my dream-self stood in that dream room, the phantom finally rounded the room’s entryway and approached me, hovering. This part of the dream seemed to last longer than the earlier parts. Staring directly at the specter, I realized that it appeared strangely familiar; therefore, again I wasn’t terrified by its appearance.
I couldn’t tell whether the ghost wore clothes because it constantly changed its shape. Like an ink droplet in water or smoke wreathing in the air, this ethereal being was a metaphysical cloud that assumed a human-like form that shifted, reformed, and transmuted by the second. It refused to be still. Fluttering this way and that way, it seemed to be “hand” gesturing some kind of message.
When my dream-self stared at the apparition’s “face,” I recognized two “individuals.” Because I am a fan of heavy metal music, the phantasm bore a resemblance to the “mascot” for the British band, Iron Maiden; this “mascot” is named “Eddie,” and he is a zombie. You should look up some of Iron Maiden’s album covers to get a sense of how “Eddie” looks like. Second, the phantasm looked like Ozzy Osbourne’s demonic bat-like humanoid, a concert stage prop during his “The Ultimate Sin” tour.
I know, I know… “the music of devil” or “Satan’s priests” luring people to suicide and damnation… sure; I have been accused by people of being one. I am not. This topic would make for a great future blog. Nonetheless, the ghost wasn’t a threat or snare; quite the opposite, it was a devoted, cherished, and loyal confidante, like an older brother watching over me. Why should I be afraid of him? Or of what he was revealing to me?
What did the dream mean?
During March and April 2023, I reconceptualized the Katyn book project, finalizing the narrative arc; I also committed myself to how I needed to write it. I was certain that I was writing a memoir chronicling my journey learning about and living with Katyn. History was important, but autobiography became the heart of the book. During this time, I planned out my writing schedule, and identified the key themes, motifs, and other literary elements. I began the heavy revisions of older chapter drafts, eliminating what no longer fit or worked and adding new material.
At times, this preliminary pre-writing phase felt as though I were wandering blindfolded. I relied upon my instincts; my unconscious chaperoned me. My senses heightened, I dared to be different. What indeed hasn’t been said about Katyn? This question became more than just a question: it was my raison d’etre. My goal was to become an intellectual and artistic miner, diving deeper into my Katyn experiences and excavating the precious insights. Intimidating and hard work for sure.
The dream symbolized my March and April writing breakthroughs. The dream represented the long, uncertain path to the final stage of the Katyn book’s writing process. The decade’s long writer’s block without exits or entryways… the hallway of locked rooms in the dream… the dream forced me to come to terms with it. And importantly, to move on. Finally reaching the open and empty room at the end of the hallway… the time is now to furnish and decorate it; in other words, make the room (the book) a living space for creativity. The shape-shifting ghost not only represents the stable, familiar, and trustworthy part of my self (the “metalhead” in me) but also stands in for Steve, my Virgil guiding me through the Inferno of writing.
I often told my friends that writing the Katyn book was like an exorcism, purging myself of various fears and insecurities. Writing the book was like an exorcism because I needed to release myself from voluntary boundaries. The dream appeared at the best moment. My unconscious had enough of my procrastination. It forced me to release all those malicious and inhospitable impulses within me. My unattainable pursuit of perfectionism stymied me instead of inspiring me. Through the dream, my unconscious needed to speak with me and, in doing so, it corralled me into that last room for concentrated action: just write, God damn it! Now finish the book!